Poor, middle-aged mechanic Carter Chambers (played by Morgan Freeman) ends up sharing a hospital bed with billionaire tycoon Edward Cole (played by Jack Nicholson), after they have both been diagnosed with cancer and have only months left to live. The men bond, and pen a list of things they hope to do before they die (it’s called the Bucket List, because it’s what they want to do before they kick the bucket). Both of them have lived unsatisfying lives, and they decide to go all-out and experience life as much as possible. With Cole’s money, they have a blank cheque with which to do this. Skydiving, anyone?

Now we get to the middle section, where the wheels fall off the movie’s plot. The problem with The Bucket List is that it completely oversells itself. There’s a scene where the 70-year-old duo have a drag race, smashing each other’s cars at 80kph. All I could think of was “WTF? Don’t these guys have cancer?” The film goes from absurdity to absurdity, showing them climbing the Himalayas, racing motorbikes across the Great Wall of China, and hooking up with hot women. Now, I’m not one to make social commentary but would real cancer sufferers be happy with the message sent by this movie?

The Bucket List might mislead you into thinking it’s a real uplifting feelgood movie, ultimately its perceived emotional depth is nothing but smoke and mirrors. If I had only months to live (and unlimited money) I’d want to do something to better humanity, but Cole and Chambers revel in hedonism. There’s some tacked-on crap about reconciling themselves with their families, but this is the freaking last thing they do.

You’d hope that a movie this stupid would be redeemed by great characters, but here also The Bucket List takes a kick to the balls. At the start there’s a reflective intro where a voiceover of Chambers waxes poetic about (now deceased) Cole, talking about what a great man he was and how much he did in his life. Thing is, Cole as depicted in the movie is a reprehensible pig who is immature, shallow, and egotistical, to the point where we cannot find a single favorable point about his character and can’t wait for him to die already. Chambers, at least, is likeable, but horribly typecast. Morgan Freeman turns him into yet another wise black mentor figure who acts as a foil to the irrepressable Cole. Basically he’s reprising his role from Bruce Almighty and Evan Almighty, except without the super powers.

The movie makes no attempt to hide the fact that the characters and their motivations are being railroaded towards a contrived and unlikely ending. Yes, of course the greedy billionaire Cole is reconciled with his daughter. And yes, Chambers reconnects with his wife (but only having months and months of fun overseas without giving his wife a second thought). Speaking of Chambers’ wife, she starts out furious with him, but when he returns home she’s suddenly a loving housewife again. Think for a second: if your spouse pretty much abandoned you to go on a pleasure cruise for a long period of time, would you welcome them back with loving arms, or would you have some harsh words for them first? Chambers’ wife is yet another unlikely character doing unlikely things for no reason.

This movie has some strong performances, but the plot is so off-kilter it’s difficult to enjoy them. If you can get over the idea of two very old men (who have terminal cancer) skydiving and trading paint on motorbikes, the schmaltzy last fifteen minutes will almost certainly kill the movie for you. It’s where they suddenly become saints and forget about all the problems they were struggling.

In closing, The Bucket List is, by turns, puzzling, unconvincing, lame, and borderline insulting. There are so many darts you can throw at this movie that it’s hard to know where to start or finish. However, if you don’t analyse it too closely I suppose it could be entertaining. And I suppose it’s a movie old people would enjoy (I saw it in theatre, and the median age of the audience was around 50-60). And hey, the cat shit coffee joke was kinda funny.