I don’t feel comfortable talking about myself. Not because I’m shy, but because it’d seem really weird erecting the equivalent of a huge “This is a monument to ME!!!” statue, when I’m just an unimportant nobody with a web page.

Seriously, do you like knowing random trivia about people you’ll never meet? If there was a radio station filled with that kind of stuff (“Miss Catherine Ralleigh of Brighton, UK. She loves romantic comedies and dreams of becoming a vet. Mr John Swindburg of Detroit, US. He eats unhealthily and has a small dog.”) would you listen to it? You would? Well, uh, okay…I guess I don’t have a comeback to that one…

This site is for my writing. I’d say “I’ve been writing for as long as I remember”, except a) it wouldn’t be true, and b) nobody gives a crap. Seriously, I don’t expect anyone to care about my writing. Want proof? I am actively discouraging feedback. There are no references to my email on Empty World, and no way for you to contact me. All of the blog entries, fiction, etc here were written to entertain one person: me. If you like them, that’s cool, if you don’t like it, well, I had similar feelings regarding your mom’s performance in bed last night and you don’t hear me bitching. I don’t want to receive email, even if it’s positive. One of my talents is that I can keep working on things without needing any comments to motivate me.

Wind cow sting indelible croissant. These are five words pulled at random from a dictionary, and they will be as useful to you as whatever I have to say on writing. It’s probably not going to become your career, I can tell you that. You should only write for your own enjoyment.

I visit Youtube a lot. It’s just an awesome place. You click…and click…and click and there’s your whole day gone. I’m a big fan of the real-time strategy game Age of Kings, and I post on the Age of Kings Heaven forum frequently.

I also post on the Cracked forums. To all Cracked posters: YOU’RE GAY. Har har! you can’t vote my karma down from here, can you? CAN YOU?!?

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See above.

I’m a non-denomination Christian and I support the Australian Liberal Party.

Ah, what the hell. This is the tail end of the least read page on the internet’s least read site. I might as well go crazy and write my whole life story. It’ll be like singing along to Cindy Lauper songs in the car, nobody will hear.

My name is Hunkahotlove McAnalWedgie. Obviously, that’s not my birth name. My mother christened me Shitcannon O’Fartpants and, frankly, that just sounded gay.

I was born on June 21, 1989, back when kangaroo-shagging was still Australia’s national sport. I left home at the age of 48 (that is, 48 months. We grew up fast back then.) with four goals. To discover the meaning of life. To find my true father. To start a website. To cure my constant bouts of explosive diarrhea, which occur so frequently I have to sit with a bucket under me at all times.

As you can see, I have now accomplished one of those goals.

The world is changing fast, my friends. Overnight, black men have gone from waving their dicks around in amateur pornos to waving their dicks around in the Whitehouse. The internet has transformed our lives like never before. Not long ago there was an election in Iran. Kinda. And yet some things stay the same. We still breathe air. Rolf Harris is still annoying. Objects still fall down, unless you’re high and then they fall every which way. What we need to do as a culture, folks, is discard the shitty changes and cling to the not-shitty not-changes and then…uh…I hate losing my train of thoughts in the middle of a profound realisation…

I hope my mum doesn’t read this.